がっかりしたんだ、あたし (ﾉ_-｡)
24 jam lebih gw di depan lappie, ga nyangka, ujung-ujung bakal jadi kayak gini juga. gw kecewa banget malam ini. usaha yang gw lakuin seharian ga ada gunanya, sama sekali. gw dah rela-relain nge-design poster seharian buat lomba, ehhh, malah konektifitas yang ga mau kompromi ma gw, gw kecewa banget, sangat.
sebenarnya gw dah tanamin dalam pemikiran gw kalau gw ga cari kemenangan dalam kompetisi design poster ini, secara, banyak banget pro bertebaran di situ. yah, setidaknya karya gw ad yang ngeliat lah. nah ini, seharian gw nunggu koneksi masuk, yah nggak masuk-masuk, akun gw ga bisa di login. kata adminnya sih, maklum lagi padet usernya. maa,sonna koto nan da yo. yang kayak gitu seharusnya ga usah terjadi kan. apalagi yang kontrol sistemnya itu lo pada, para adminnya.
sekarang dah jam 3 pagi, gw belum juga tidur. semakin pagi semakin kerasa kekecewaan gw. gw sempat berpikir untuk ga join ni kompetisi, apalagi setelah gw liat design-design poster yang udah pada dipostingin ma member lain, ilmunya tinggi banget dibandingin gw yang designer amatiran pastinya. gw juga sempat bertanya dalam hati gw, apakah ga bakal sia-sia nantinya? mending gw kerja tugas aja kali ya, daripada nyisihin waktu depan "kazuma" berjam-jam buat nge-design doang. gw juga sempat mikir, apa yang sudah gw tanyakan dalam hati, keragu-raguan dalam memutuskan untuk berpartisipasi dalam kompetisi ini, mungkin adalah petunjuk dari Tuhan agar gw ga ngenyia-nyiain waktu untuk hal yang ga mungkin gw bisa. tapi gw, yah, mau gimana lagi, jiwa gw memang di dunia ini. gw lebih milih depan lappie berjam-jam kok dibanding disuruh ngerjain tugas teori yang membosankan. dan . . . here i am. gw kecewa, gw kecewa . . .
sebaiknya gw tidur dulu, ga enak kebawa lama-lama dalam perasaan yang kayak gini. mending gw tidur dah. sebelumnya, poster yang gw sudah bikin tadi pengen nongol katanya, dia juga kecewa ga jadi kenalan ma temen-temen poster lainnya. yosh, perkenalkan, inilah "my failure" . . .
gw jadi ngerasa mirip dengan judul ceritanya. 3 donkeys, gw bisa dibilang salah satu dari mereka, orang yang taunya cuman ngayal, berencana, tapi hasil ga ada. gw juga ga bisa nyalahin diri gw, kenyataan aja yang ga berpihak ma gw.
well, selamat malam dunia . . .
まあ、もう。。。
2011年6月12日
10:20
Maybe I got many things to write about, but just don't know where to start. Huuuh, what a long days, so much tired, many feelings, new friends, some people to hate, few things that I can't explain, blended into one. Well, I better start sharing from the beginning. Here I go.
There was a Japanese speech contest held by Japan embassy in this country, selection's done from a province to another province, every single contestant in every province who passes the selection will be sent to Jakarta to fight for the 1st place champion. It really sounded nice when first time I heard that announcement from teacher, directly I rose my hands up and said, "先生, let me in, I wanna join that contest (I'll be the winner . . . :) ) ! So, where I have to sign up? ". What a words. My passion turned down slowly by time, I seemed giving up before fighting, just because I knew that there would be a cluster of smart kids joining this contest, included my seniors who ever joined this before. I always though that I was still first year student, many things I didn't know yet about this language. If I said so, what about a friend? She joined in, she's first year student too. The answer? Yeah, because she ever took Japanese course for quite a long time before went to university. I can say that she might be in few levels on me. So, finally, I just became the event filler for speech contest as a dancer and ended up as a girl who just starred at those who made a speech on the lectern from back line seat. How pathetic, but not really. I and some friends showed a Japanese traditional dance called "yosakoi" that we've learnt from video on youtube.
I was the dancer? That's not a big deal I think. But don't know the dance we showed that time made such a big trouble, I can say it's a basic trouble for another trouble. It's all about Japanese club (I'm in) at campus and a new organization called J-Lo, abbreviation from Japan Lover Community (I'm in too). Before go deeper, let me give a lil bit explanation. Who established this new organization? Some seniors from Japanese club. So, we can say that those seniors got 2 responsibilities for each organizations. But time by time, Japanese club with its new leader slowly shows its ego, like undirectly says it's the one. I know we as students of Japanese literature got many things from this club, knowledge and skill, but not everything, note this, for my friends and another seniors who always say that be loyal to club because we're begun from this club (bullshit!!!), I say IT'S NOT EVERYTHING. So, the problem now, these 2 organizations are fighting for existence and authority.
Scholarship,man !!!
2011年6月2日
8:02
Yesterday I joined a scholarship test, a scholarship to study tour in Japan for about 2 months exactly spending about 2 months in autumn. What a nice tour, besides it's free. Talking about the test, that's not exactly my level, it's fuckin' difficult. I never learnt those before, 漢字, 文法, I felt like I was illiteracy of the fonts, lol. Looked at another face yesterday, they looked so pale, it's quite a hard test. If I could reach that . . . Well, but I don't really put a big hope in it because I got one thing to focus.
I prefer to paying my attention to a big scholarship that I already signed up, I've sent my qualification files and filled the form. I really hope that my files are accepted and I can join the next qualification, and finally get it. If I . . . I don't know, God, it's just about my dream. I try hard not to put my big hope in it, but I can't. I'm trying hard to ignore it till the announcement's announced, but I can't, it's such my dream, I meant it's huge, man! This is Japan government scholarship, offering to study and continue our higher education in Japan, with high quality education for sure, and the government will finance us as long as we study there. I meant, who doesn't want this scholarship. I know it might be so hard for me to get that, to get it. I know I might start imagining when the first time I took the form from Japan Embassy office in this town. I know I might not pass the qualification, but what can I say, how wonderful I am if I pass and get it. I'm supposed not to imagining so far, it will be so painful if I feel dropped to the rough ground.
Let me make a lil story telling here. The day I wanted to take the scholarship form from embassy office, I forgot to bring my identity card. It's in another bag at home. You know, guys, how tight the security at office like that. I couldn't come in without that identity card. So I decided to back home and bring it with me. I realized that home's far away from campus, so, I teased my friend, and got borrowed a motorcycle. Then I asked one friend to accompany me to home. Well, everything was still nice till the police stopped us in the middle of the road.
"Show me your identity card and drive licence . . .", the policeman said.
"(panic, I don't know what to do, besides, I don't bring any cards, and fuckin' unfortunately, I don't have drive licence, and you know, this is not my motorcycle!) But, sir, I don't bring any cards. That's why I wanna go home and bring them with me, please, let me go,sir,I'm really in hurry . . .", I'm begging.
Without saying anything, that police drove the motorcycle and brought it to their boss. Then I saw a big-stomached policeman with black lame glasses and asked me several times where my licence is, then I answered the same answer several times. I didn't know what to do, I knew I was wrong in this case, but, really, he's so annoying. I though I was out of my mind, felling so mad, finally I called my aunt to help me. His husband is a policeman too, maybe he could give me favor. She would arrive at the place I was waiting in few minutes. While I was waiting with my friend, another friend who had that thing I drove sent me a message, he had to pick up his sister, he asked me to move faster. And more, another friends who were waiting for me because we planned to go to embassy office together, messaged me that I've go back to campus soon, or I'll miss the form, embassy will be closed at 4pm. I looked at watch, oh, God, I was here in two hours more and my aunt didn't get here yet. I messaged her and she said she's on the way, she left her seminar for me.
Oh, man, I really already gave these people a bad time. Fortunately me, they already helped me. Thanks guys, aunt, thank you so much. After a few minutes, that police came standing in front of me, I ignored him with mad expression on my face, I didn't say anything. Suddenly he gave me back the key and said, "I help you, kid, just go . . .". Can you believe that? I just stared at the key on his hand and didn't say anything for a minute, I realized then I said what about my aunt, she's on the way here. He said to me that it's up to me, the point is he already gave me the key, I was free to go, or I could wait my aunt. Immediately I messaged her, asked where she is and told that the police had freed me. Directly she made a call to me, I answered the call and let her talk with the police. よかったね, finally I could continue my drive to home and back to campus with all identity cards I need. What a heavy day . . . I backed to campus and told my friends the reason why they had to wait so long. After that I thanked them for helping me.
This is not the ending part, I still had to go to embassy office immediately before it's closed. I arrived there with my friends at about 2.30pm. That's the first time I came to that office, the security is really tight. I and friends put our identity card at security check desk, left our bag and we only could bring the needed document for form qualification. I came in, waited for my turn to take the form. After my turn, they qualified my documents and decided I only could take D2 study program. Then I said it's ok, I want to take specialized training college. Beside we can continue D2 to S1 degree as a third year students. Yeah, if I pass the test of course . . . Then she asked me to wrote my name on the list paper and gave the form. Finally I got the form. Actually, this is not the end, of course. This is just begun, the starter point of all. Even I'm not sure I can get it, I mean it's maybe so heavy for me to reach that, but I'll do the best. What a long day that day . . .
Ya ALLAH, my only God, what can I say? I always need You, without You there's no me, I can't run my life without You, I need You, God. Please, help me to make my dreams come true, help me to create a beautiful victory of my life. Please forgive me, I'm dirty with sins, forgive me, God . . . Forgive me . . . I'm sorry God, I really am sorry, maybe I'm rude to ask You about this quite a big dream for me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, forgive me . . . Ya ALLAH, forgive me . . .
Oh God, whatever the announcement later, I've to be broad minded. In the end if I don't get it, maybe I don't deserve it, haaahhhhhhh . . . Don't You know, God, I do this all besides for my own-self, it's all about for my parents, I really want to make them proud, I want to change our life. It's so clear it's all about them after many things they've given to me, they've done to me. For my parents, mom, dad, I promise you, I'll become a success woman, I'll buy you anything, I'll take you around the world, just ask to what you want and I'll fulfill them. I PROMISE YOU, THE BEST PARENTS EVER, I'LL BE A SUCCES BUSINESS WOMAN AND MAKE YOU PROUD. Sooner, Amin . . . I'll try and do my best to make all of these coming true. Bless me God . . . Even I might be so over in mentioning my dreams, forgive me, God . . .
長い一日。。。
2011年5月14日
18:44
Oh God . . . I really had a heavy day. Today didn't work well. I screwed up, totally screwed up. I feel like a loser. There's a event this morning, Japanese speech contest and I got a job as Japanese traditional dancer with some friends like I mentioned before. To the point, I missed some moves in the dance, I made a mistake twice. How pity I am. I really shamed my self, I don't know why I could make that mistake so clear. I hate me! I'm ashamed! The big deal is I was the leader of that dance, I got position in the front line, exactly in the middle of another dancers. Everybody could see me so clear, and how shit I am let them saw me make that mistake. There were so many Japanese people. Anyone knows what I felt?
I know exactly human learns many things from a mistake, and a mistake can built a strong foundation of mind. A mistake teaches us to do better. But I can't run from one thing, a mistake can make me feel so devastated. My God, please forgive me, maybe I'm not good enough to deserve better. Forgive me God . . . And for the people I disappointed today 本当にごめんなさい！
Let's go to another problem, all about the people I call friends. Why are they getting so suck?! The boys started to show their ego, and as usual acted like they're so cool, talked to people trying to seeking imitated attention. And that girl, getting boring with her attitude, she always seeks for attention from seniors, tries to get closer with them, talks about her friends's mistakes, makes a-wasting-time-gossips with them, and so on. I really hate this girl. I know she sometimes is good to me. But most creepy to know her make a cluster of lie behind those hideous smiles. She acts doing good thing to me, and maybe talks behind me. What a chicken deed. Besides she really is an annoying thing. U will not be so surprised if u hear her saying that she doesn't want to join the dance practice while making a reason that she's shy, got a headache, and another shit reasons, and then one day before the shows she shouts loudly until seniors can hear her voice and says to another dancer to practice more, more, and more, asks them not to be lazy to practice the whole day because she doesn't want feel ashamed when the show is begun. What a super lame freak loser! Just be happy in ur world.
Back to the boys, one of them I hate the most because his very "nice" attitude. He always asks me to change my view about someone, I still remember what he said when there's a girl in front of us who I dislike because I heard her say something rude about artist club (I'm in) in university, "That's not good to judge someone from only one side, maybe she got own reason so that she said so. Besides she's a beautiful girl. U have to try to understand people too, really bad if u consider just u who people understand to.". Really I wanna puke that time listening to him said so, I really don't need his suggestions because I know what I'm doing. And let see what's he just done. This morning we didn't use black shocks for the dance according to plan just because he plus she didn't want to use them. Know the reason? "It's so slicky dance on the floor with them.". Oh come on, could u make a better reason? Those socks were so thick, how could them make ur foot slicky when on the floor? Then when I forced him to wear them, he with his disgusting-mood-face said, "Ok, we'll fall together because these socks, and don't blame mefor that.". Don't u know that another dancers brought u those socks while u and ur self got a couple in ur room and decided not to bring them? Don't u know there's a friend bought a new socks, spent her precious money just for the dance we're not paid for? And finally we didn't wear even one of them and u and her became so glad, besides she always supports what u want, I think u're a perfect match. Don't u know that u're so fuckin' idiot with ur damn ego! Where all ur fuckin' words about understanding people. This is so clear that u just got a big mouth at all. U're zero. Just realize ur self, donkey! I don't know how can I make a good partnership with u for the next events.
色々な感じだった --- during dance practice
2011年5月10日
13:13
Today, I came late to campus as usual, running my legs from dormitory to class. Knocked at the class door and opened it, then I saw the teacher and everybody looked at me, fortunately he let me in.
After class, there's a dance training I've to join coz I'm the leader of that dance. So, I and some friends went to a building near campus that's always used by us as a training place. Practice, practice and practice, this dance really made me exhausted. Then we took a rest for a while to cooling down.
This building is not just used by us. Cluster o people are there, everyday. This afternoon while taking a rest, I sat in the corner of the hall with my friends, then I saw three people drawing on big papers. I know that they must be students of faculty of technology of this university. Making me down in another side.
2011年5月13日
14:39
I really hate them. This is dance practice time, and they with a box of reasons are trying to postpone this practice. They really are damn stupid! Tomorrow is the time to show, and they still got nothing. I really hate them, especially the boys, the freaking damned boys! How can they make some stupid reasons, girls here are cute, they will think I'm freak when we dance here, I don't want, u don't know, I'm afraid to people, bla bla bla bla bla . . . . Why those boys think that they're that cool???!!!! Come on, where ur awareness? Just realize that u're not that cool!
What can I do, instead I join their freaking conversation, better I stay away to the corner and write what I feel now.
Talking about those shit reasons, there's a reason of them again when I ask them to continue our practice, u don't know what I feel, those people have different view, this dance is not cool, this is a traditional dance!. Oh, come on, I know this's not cool at all, but why u can consider ur damn self as a cool one if u just can make this lil thing to be something cool! What a pity! For true, u got nothing to be proud of. Guys, I hate u! it's really make me having a bad times staying with u all. u're miserable hideous friends I ever met.
Hmmm . . . I hear their're cheering each other there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's so lame. I don't know . . .
I really need a song here, I can't express my self, I spend almost my free time to enjoy the silence coz I got nothing to do or how can I express my self. Still, I feel all alone, just me and my self in this world. Oh God . . . Can u give any help, give me many things that can make me feel happy, I never feel real happy with friends. I even don't know how can I call them friends . . . I don't want friends like them.
それ、じゃ。。
My Dad's old motorbike . . .
2011年4月5日
20:34
This morning I came late to campus, and my gosh, I was so late for the test. Few lil things happened and what a pathetic story of mine.
As usual I woke up late, felt lazy to take a bath in the early morning, it's freezing me. After taking a bath, using my dress to campus then shouted loudly to my dad that I was so late to joining the test. My dad without saying anything started his old motorbike's engine. That motorbike has been being the best transportation of my family for years. Guess why . . Not another money, money, and money. Yeah, I was born with no money flying around me. My family is just an ordinary one, poor one. That's the fate. You can imagine how difficult we go thru this life is.
My dad was a security guard at developer office in this town. Not really a security guard coz he's not given the security uniform and it's stuff plus low salary, exactly he was just a local who's asked to guard the office by a humble man. And then that humble man gave my dad a second-hand motorbike. Voila, it became our family. We still use it till now and you can imagine how old that motorbike is. Not surprising, I and my dad have got many accidents on the road coz of it, it's old, the machine doesn't work properly anymore.
This morning, that motorbike stopped in the middle of the road to campus. Some motorbikes and cars almost crushed us and I saw one of those motorbikes fell down to the road. Thanking God, we were ok, no pain or more. We're safe. Then I saw that face, my dad looked so shamed of that, I saw a pity from his face, he held the motorbike to the road side and I followed him from behind. He tried to started the engine over and over again, but it didn't work. Then as usual without saying a word he started to fix it by him self. He took his stuff from motorbike's lil bagage, found a tiny thing that I don't know what's that, then put it in to motorbike engine. He started the engine again, but still didn't work. He looked so sad, I know he felt so regret about my test at campus, in fact I was so late for that.
My phone rang, there's a message from my friend that test was begun but not my turn yet, it's an individual test and I've to wait for my turn. It's still a lil bit opportunity to catch it. I approached my dad, he still fixed the motorbike.
"Dad, the test is begun and we're still far from campus, I'm so afraid I won't join the test . . ."
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry . . . I'm so sorry . . . Why don't you use public transportation to get there soon? I try hard to fix this, dear . . ."
"That's so easy for you to said that!!!" (I really didn't realize what i've said to him by ignoring his feeling, mean me, why I yelled on him, I felt so stupid!!!)
He tried to fixing it again, after few long minutes, I finally heard the engine sound. Then I looked at my dad, he kept the stuff and called me on the motorbike. He looked so tired but he kept riding his old motorbike for me. Deep in my heart, I confess that I've given him many difficult times. I don't need to be rough on him, he's my parent, he always does the best for me. Forgive me, dad . . .
